Wednesday, April 3

One Last Farewell

I didn't have the energy to be angry, angsty, or surly today. None of it matter because all I wanted to do was to quietly respect a little girl's memory. It was very grounding to remember that as much junk we deal with on a daily basis, as one Buddhist friend said recently: "It is all just temporary."

There was a staff meeting after school and I got some computer work done for the first time in a few weeks. Then, we came home and solemnly got ready to leave for the viewing. Neither of us felt we would be able to to handle seeing her like this.

Didn't think there was any point in putting on makeup because I knew I'd just cry it off anyways, but I remembered dressing up one day to visit Paige outside of school and her letting me know that she thought I looked nice. Her mom also requested no black clothing, come as colorful as possible because she always loved color.

I wore the top that FMIL got me for Christmas with Minnie Mouse on it. For her Make-A-Wish, Paige had gone to Disney World (her first time on a plane) right after she turned five. They brought back pins for her teachers. I remembered meeting those teachers while they had their pins on (which was everyday).

It took me twice as long to get ready because I kept starting to cry because it kept hitting me what I was getting ready to go do and possibly see. My heart just keeps weeping.

We went with my SIL too just saw Paige's mom immediately. We hugged and cried a little and she looked beautifully pregnant, brave, and strong. I loved seeing the bright colors on everyone. There were conservative looking cowboys and crazy punk rockers who were torn between crying out their broken hearts and laughing while they recounted wonderful memories of this beautiful little girl. It reminded me that there's a common thread in everyone that is just purely good.

They had posters filled with fun pictures and sparkles, people brought potted plants (another one of her favorites versus just cut flowers, she was a fan of gardening), and there was a slideshow playing on the front wall of beautiful pictures with her family throughout her life. That helped so much because it made us laugh and focus on what has been important the entire time.

We did go and see her. I'm glad with the choices that were made. I won't go into too much more detail here to keep this from being so morbid. I really appreciate the loving attention to detail that the funeral home did. They had a locked chest for memories we could write on stationery, programs handed out, everything was just so accommodating of this unique little life. One thing I really appreciate is the permanent website memorial that they set up. There are pictures and memories and songs there... It will be nice to revisit.

FMIL, SIL, and I went out to dinner across the way afterwards to talk more about our memories and life in general right now. We'll continue to visit the family and stay friends, of course. I spent the evening saving pictures from Facebook because FMIL and I felt it would be nice to have a keepsake like that of our own at the house. Gonna go sleep some sadness off or something.

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