Much The Same

Hope everyone has had a peaceful Easter weekend.

Not too much has changed in the past few days.

I'm doing the same things and have questioned more and more why I chose this way to spend my time- helping someone else completely and leaving no time for myself. I have really just spent the majority of my spring break helping everyone else and not doing anything just for me to enjoy. As proud as I have been for my work, I feel a bit empty.

Often have taken the need to be needed too far. Tomorrow, I don't have to go in for work, but I'm  working side jobs for the extra money and again, to help others. Starting to freak out about going back to work again because I know it's just going to get increasingly draining from here on out.

Thursday: We were car-less since early this morning because "Hank" is at the mechanics until further notice. Had to wake up at what felt like the crack of dawn to sneak in a called in walk-in. I did some cleaning before back to my social media work.

Friday: I spent the afternoon getting to know a little boy that I'm going to start baby-sitting. He's the grandson of a friend. The SO and I ran some errands too, so I loaded up on a lot of cravings-snacks.

I also was asked to participate in an online brawling tournament due to lack of entries by my online coworkers and then co-hosted the rest of the broadcast after having my butt handed to me. That was nerve-racking and the SO felt bad for helping convince me to go through with the public spectacle, but I'm glad it was entertaining because my teammates humored my awful performance.

Saturday: I spent most of the day baby-sitting. I did make a little time to work more on my Project Life. I have finally finished that pesky April and am in the midst of May 2012 when I visited Florida for a wedding. Another intense month, lol.

I've tried really hard to add a little of something to my work. I just never feel like I have enough time. Or maybe it's the lack of continuous support/ encouragement. One of those things that feels as if I'm going at it alone and only the finished project will remotely be appreciated by anyone else. Only problem with that is that point is pretty far down the road.

Sunday: I tried really hard to bunker down and work on my own stuff today. Was pulled away often, but that's how life is, right? Irks the junk outta me, lol. I'm one to fixate as we well know here. We had an Easter dinner with the family here. I think it's the first holiday meal that I haven't taken a picture of. It would resemble every other one and I felt increasingly detached as time passes.

You'd think this dissatisfaction would be enough to fuel me to change my circumstances. We'll see. I seem to enjoy being angsty...

Did more of my recent usual and now here I am. Man, I have been sneezing like crazy for the past two days. What kind of pollen is in the air?!

To lighten the mood, I have found this hilarious:

DFTBA

Day 28: I am grateful for Nerdfighteria and the creation of the Lizzie Bennet Diaries, a modern adaption of Jane Austen's Pride & Prejudice. I loved the book as a kid and I love these vlogs now. It's great to find a community that embraces the quirky, bright, and kind.

I know I've written about the Vlogbrothers and Nerdfighteria before, but I've been rewatching the videos from this playlist today and it has brought such a smile to my face.

I woke up in the middle of the night because a quiche did not agree with me at all. I was miserable and the SO came to help me and found me on the floor trying to get to some crackers without making a mess of the kitchen. Needless to say, I'm very grateful to have someone who's willing to take care of me when I'm very pathetic and hurt. He knows I'd do the same and have.

I was determined not to call out sick today and all I wanted to do was do whatever was necessary so I could just go back to sleep. My supervising teacher was out today and I didn't quite realize that was going to happen until yesterday afternoon. I had no idea what the lesson plan was and neither of us knew who the substitute was going to be. I dreaded today so much and kept praying but it went really well, all things considered. We had the very best sub who has been a staple at our school for years and many of our wild kids did pretty well. It was also a short day being Wednesday.

I had half planned to stay a few extra hours to volunteer today but after my mini ordeal last night, I just wanted to rest at home. So, I walked home using my newer route. My mom actually ended up keeping me company via phone call this time but I had planned out a playlist to listen to so I wouldn't run the risk of my phone dying out on me again.

I'm actually getting a little excited about walking home. It takes me about an hour but time really flew by this time around. I felt that I was dragging my feet a bit and not taking huge strides but then I remembered that a few hours ago, I wanted to rip out my insides. Or they wanted to be ripped out of me. So, I figure that cuts me some slack. I might even walk home again tomorrow! It depends on how much energy I have.

I'm still lining up creative projects working with others and I'm super excited but am reigning in my enthusiasm just a bit because none of them have actually come to fruition yet. On the brighter side, the final pieces of my main Christmas gift shopping has been completed as of today! My brother's and FMIL's gifts came in the mail today and I'm excited. I have a lot of gifts to wrap and packages to assemble this weekend. Alright, got to go before this loses all semblance of cohesion.

Bullies

I wasn't sure what I wanted to write about tonight, but after going through my current routine of stimulating my mind and soul by watching more Vlogbrother videos from over the years, one suddenly touched a raw nerve.

It has some strong language in it, so you've been warned.

Hank is hardly ever this angry and upset during his vlogs, so this really struck home with me because I try to emulate the patience and understanding people like him often show the world. However, I am human (and an angsty/ angry one at that) and that means I mess up a lot.

There is probably never a good reason to be mean. Even if people or life is mean to you first. It's what we're supposed to teach the kids I see everyday. I say that I believe in the mantra of "Treat others how you want to be treated" as I struggle with the schism within myself because of the deep mean streak I have accepted within myself. 

Am I being hypocritical, honest, both, or something else?

I cannot stand watching what politics have turned into in our society but I know staying involved is important. I cannot stand to watch the dramas unfold on social media platforms. I cannot stand seeing a friend that I care about who I believe is a genuinely caring, bright, and sweet individual being humiliated every day when she's doing her best. 

But what have I done about it? I used to just sit and fume in resentful silence. In the past few years, I have followed the procedures and spoken out. I have also learned to do my best to stay away from those kinds of environments and how to keep that negativity out of my life. However, the biggest action I've been able to take is to show an outpouring of love and support for those affected.

It's really senseless how people can treat one another and I'm sure that involves a good hard look at oneself to figure out why and what can be done about it.

Man, I am going to stew in bed for a while tonight before getting any sleep. All I can say now is TGIF.

The Band

While I do my best to stay strong, positive, and hopeful to just make it through each day, I wanted to share something that made me so purely happy that I cried with laughter.

These are from the VlogBrothers. The first is younger brother, Hank Green, and his song about quarks which I didn't really understand (despite my science teacher introducing me to them when I was 12 years old) until just about 10 minutes ago. The latter is older brother, John Green, and his audition to be in his brother's band.