Friday, November 2

The Road Less Traveled

Along the lines of thinking about something you are truly grateful for this month-

I am truly grateful for dog-walkers and the ability to walk on my own two feet.

Let's go back to where this began. 

Remember that list of goals and plan on how to achieve them? I've been working and then avoiding working on it for the past week after much self-reflection last weekend. One of the top priorities is driving. 

I have a fear of driving.

I guess it's borderline a phobia. I'm in my mid-twenties, I'm pretty much a suburbian-city girl, and I have never had my driver's license. Don't even have a valid learner's permit anymore. I have practiced with my family and when I came here but find the entire process terrifying.

Coupled with my lack of sense of direction, every time I sit behind a steering wheel, I have a feeling that I'm going to get myself killed and take a bunch of people out with me. That I'm going to make a ton of stupid mistakes and put lives in danger. That I'm going to panic when put into an emergency situation and be the one that screws it up for everyone else. \\

Too many people take the responsibility of the power behind the wheel for granted. The roads are a scary place.

But they are apart of modern life.

My fear of driving is the epitome of my biggest fear. One that has always come true because of the self-fulfilling prophecy phenomenon. I am afraid to fail at life- at adulthood. By being so scared of it, I am failing at a lot of things that signify adulthood. I can't get a job on my own, I can't continue my education on my own, I can't even live alone.

I have been so blessed by having super patience and loving people in my life to put up with this self-induced handicap. I have sought counseling and services in the past. I don't know why it's gotten so bad in recent years. 

I hyperventilate, I panic, I sob, I blank out. It's ridiculous. I'm even more baffled with my vague background in psychology too. I should be able to reason with myself because I know better, right? Ha. That's part of the definition of a phobia- it's irrational.

But I am determined to actively work on this issue now. This and other areas of my life that have been hindered by my fears. Fear is what has driven my life for most of my life. I walked home from work today as soon as my shift was over.

Felt like I was quitting/ skipping out since I often stay behind and volunteer until I can carpool home. My job ends at noon and I've often stayed until 5pm and as late as 7pm when I also come in 1.5 hours early.

It took me about an hour to get home. I called and checked in with the SO and my brother to keep me company while I started. Luckily, I did not get myself lost (again) because I took the same route we would in the car. Not the safest or wisest paths for a pedestrian. I am so grateful for those who have beaten down a vague path in the desert sand and dirt. 

I was able to catch myself from falling into shallow empty washes full of broken glass, critters, and rocks, and made it home covered in prickles and tears- sick to my stomach. But- I did it! Hopefully I feel more proud of myself after I get over this feeling of sickened unhappiness.

UPDATE: To summize-
Day 2: I am grateful for people who insist on walking their dogs every morning and every day. They have carved out natural paths for me to follow as I tackle some of my biggest fears such as walking home today. I'm also grateful for the ability to walk on my own two feet.

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