It's reminiscent of when I suffered from major depression- the darkest (or the step just above) period that no matter how hard I try to combat the symptoms (thanks to awareness and familiarity), I just can't shake the listless disappointment. I do my best to think positive, try to do things that I usually enjoy doing, try to appreciate the silver lining and beauty of life- but I just can't.
I realized it was starting again towards the end of my visit to Florida. I knew I should be enjoying myself and relaxing, but there was just something overshadowing those feelings. Almost foreboding.
I think the only benefit or silver lining to this feeling is the detachment I have towards my "stuff" or junk. Since I suddenly don't care for much anymore, a lot of the clutter can be let go. Throughout the years of dealing with this, I've become better at getting rid of things that I won't regret parting with down the road.
While I hate this feeling because I want so badly to be a positive and better person, I start to think going through this stage is just how I'm supposed to live my life. Maybe this is a not-so-great way for the universe to give me a break from my usual fretting and over-attachment to my possessions. I don't know.
Some days, it seems as if all I want to do or end up doing is sit and sulk, but is it possible to sulk without caring? I usually associate some sort of pouting or angst with that action.
Another consolation that I keep in the back of my mind is that this feeling and mindset is just a stage I'm going through. I have always grown out of it somehow at some point and I want to think that my coping and awareness skills improve each time. Painfully slow growth in terms of personal maturity though. At least, in my opinion.
I wrote about this because I have a feeling that I'm not the only one that can get this way. Just keep chanting: "It gets better." I know I do, even when it feels pretty hopeless, even for the small stuff which sometimes ends up being super difficult, because that's all I have to go on at that point during that mind frame that I can't quite shake.
So very grateful to have someone to help me in every way. The SO is pretty good at leaving me alone, supporting me, and lifting up my spirits- however briefly. Just reaffirmation of how - no matter what may happen down the road - we're supposed to be together right now. We don't always understand why or how but our dynamic works.
Being this way led me to organize and purge a bit of my stamping supplies this evening. I got a package in the mail today that included some new colors that were just released. It's a kit of some card stock, the amazing re-designed ink pads, and the coordinating dual-tipped markers. I updated my inventory lists, marked which of my stamps sets have retired this year, and tested out some of my new goodies. Again, my bed was a mess.
Oh yeah, that reminds me. I am... 90% of the way done with switching up my warm weather wardrobe. I had to stop and start clearing the area so I would have a place to sleep that night. I tried on every top, dress, and pair of jeans I had. I did not have the heart or stamina to try on all of my cold weather pants. It's just too hot to do that, so away they are packed until it starts to cool off again. I have at least one trash bag full of clothes to donate. Did not get rid of as much as I would have liked in terms of storage space. It'll be nice to have a walk-in closet in my lifetime. Not that I would use it all for clothes- at least, not on my own. Anyways, that was the update on that, lol.
The bed is actually clear right now- miracle of miracles - so I think that's what I'm going to tackle next.
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