I'm going to do my best and give myself the gift of stability by doing my best to write a blog everyday, so as a fair warning: this will be full of my eclectic musings, long-winded rants, exclamations, parenthesized after thoughts, constant laughing, and virtual actions.
Here we go!
Within the past hour, I saw the ending of a PBS documentary called, "The Suicide Tourist". I pretty much just caught the man undergoing an assisted suicide. I'm not sure how I feel about the legalization or concept of it just yet (I'm still trying really hard to get to know myself! <- One of my New Year's Resolutions from 2009!) but I did think about how depression sucks. It just plain sucks. That feeling of how you're such a failure and waste of space and guilt of being such a burden on the people around you that you feel that, at least for their sake, you should just stop existing and the world would then be a little bit better of a place. I know that this is just one kind of thought a person experiences when suffering through depression. My response (as posted in a FB status and About Me section update >_<) to that is:
I want to let everyone know that no matter how bad things may be- YOU ARE NOT AS BIG A BURDEN ON THE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE AS YOU MAY THINK!- I would be honored to hear from you or just listen to you- even if we've never talked before or seem to have nothing in common. We are decent human beings and that is enough to start relating with. Honestly, it will matter to me not having you in this world. You are never alone and I am not the only person in this world that feels that way about you.
And I mean all of that from the bottom of my very soul. With that off my chest, today has been just a long and weary day emotionally. I didn't even get up that early! (I suppose I may have been recovering from those two nights earlier this week that I got 3 hours of sleep each...) Fast-forwarding through a few details, I found out that a third of my student loans were sold last December to the Department of Education... so we were a bit behind on the payments. Fun stuff- really stressed me out- but it's sorted now. I believe the moral of the story is: Our dependency on money SUCKS. :)
Went grocery shopping after having a minor meltdown and did relatively well at getting only what the household needed. I'm now trying to cut back on my spending and stop being a pain in the haunch teen rebelling daughter. Which reminds me, I took this survey yesterday that my SO had heard of and (after some training via my BA in psych :P) felt it was pretty decent of an evaluation.
It's called "The VIA Survey of Character Strengths" (<- Oooh, how fancy! A link that works and looks good!) Requires a quick and painless sign up. Yes, there are 240 questions- but that's how you know it's good :P My highest strength had to do with appreciation. At this point in my life, I can say that's true. As selfish or lazy as I am or sound- I am forever grateful for pretty much every aspect of my life and it is usually on my mind. One of my lowest strengths was forgiveness and mercy. I already had that in mind before I even answered the questionnaire. It's true and I have come to accept/ understand that about myself. I feel that I give a just amount of time and chances to make up for indiscretions against me (that wording makes me sound like I'm being godly or something), but after a while I'm done with it. I am a bitter person and those who understand me accept that aspect of me. On the flip side, I put a lot of effort into still being the minimal amount of courteous and kind (when the time calls for it) so I feel that it balances it out.
Where was I? Oh, so those two events really put me on my emotional roller coaster today. Mom says I've always been too sensitive but that I probably got it from her :P Hm, what else? Oh! If you haven't already heard... (despite my efforts to plead with and shove it in your face in the nicest way possible), I do have a little online shop at Etsy.com! It even has it's own fan page on FB (for someone who isn't a huge fan, I'm sure pushing it a lot... XD)! It has always been a dream of mine and with enough support and goading my friends both old and new- I finally started to sell my own handcrafted pieces! I feel that it's done as well as I could every hope for it to do and I'm still really proud of it and myself. Can you tell I've had major self-esteem issues in the past yet? :) Every little success is still a success!
So, on the note of my little shop. *Sigh* What to do with it? What to do next?
- I know I should make more origami mobiles just to add to the variety (of one XD),
- I am in the process of making a big ol' batch of friendship bracelets (I'm being obsessive about posting them all at once- which I understand doesn't make great business sense... of which I have very little of...),
- I'm still researching on what my third type of item should be! I've tried a couple of things that haven't quite worked out well enough for me to be okay with selling.
If anyone wants me to sell their crafts for them- I'd be more than happy to. We can work out the details. And I would greatly prefer it if we're already friends, lol. My questionnaire results also said I seem to work best in groups :D Given that members of that group are like-minded and pull their own weight... /cuts self off of next mini rant.
Next note is going to be about/ to my SO. I don't want to go into too many details (because I do still value a certain level of privacy!) but I just want to share how proud I am of him right now. I truly appreciate the effort you're starting to put into this task and I understand (as best as I can) how hard it is to and how hard it has been on you. Whatever happens, I know we'll figure something out and whatever way you handle this- I trust and feel I know you well enough to support you wholeheartedly. I can't thank you enough for putting up with me all this time :)
Hm, in the midst of giving thanks- I think I'd like to give shout outs to a few people! Hooray for lists! XD
- Melissa, I love reading your blog posts. I hope to see an update soon! I'm glad you got the pictures working! I really miss you :(
- Kharlo, look at what your novel notes helped make me do! I started to come up with ideas for a story but couldn't quite make all the ideas flow into a cohesive... mess... XD So, I was thinking I could find a way to make figurines of my characters and offer mini backstories instead! I can't wait for your visit and to tell you about it!
- Adin, *wails* I wanna go out and eat with you! Lol. I miss our mini misadventures and roadtrips to visit the folks. I know life/ luck really seems to have it out for you right now but I know that it'll get better soon (mostly because of your dedication to make it better).
There are many more and you guys will get your comeuppance sooner or later. :P
With the SO literally prodding me in the ribs, I'm going to cut myself off now so I'll have something to write about tomorrow! Have a good night everyone- and remember, you are Never alone!